Author's Notes:
The world and characters of this fic belongs to JK Rowling. The plot, title and some lines are a rip-off of the Howard Hawks' movie "His Girl Friday". Yes, it's Draco as Cary Grant, and why not? Many thanks to mrsFelton88 for her beta.
*
"Draco Tyrannis Malfoy! If you don't meet me at the DMLE in five seconds I will hex your boxers so tight you'll be talking like old Grandmother Prewett for the rest of your life!"
Ginny drew her head out of the fire without waiting for an answer, and sprinted down the stairs to Level Two - she was too angry to wait for a lift.
It came as no surprise to her that Malfoy was leaning against the wall next to the Level Two stairs, looking not in the least hurried or worried, of course. The rat knew very well why he was here!
"You! You rat-faced, demon-crapping, double-crossing-!"
"Unicorn?"
"Chimpanzee!"
"Oh, really, now, at least use a magical best to compare me to. An ape?"
"Apes are too good for you, anyway. What have you done to - no, I know what you've done to Neville, you were supposed to baby-sit him until I got back! Now he's been taken by the Hit-Wizards!"
"He is? What for, I wonder?"
"As if you don't have Extendable Ears everywhere! I'm sure you knew the minute they picked him up!"
"Oh, well, as to that, I was just going to Floo you, Ginny..."
"Oh, you were, were you? Why, I'm just going to twist your lying tongue into knots..." She reached for his throat, thinking a good strangling would make her day just perfect, but he caught her hands and yanked her to him, trapping her hands between them.
"I think not, Weasley. I need my tongue for lambasting politicians."
"You're a writer! You can lambast them in writing!" She squirmed to get away from him. He was warm and hard and smelled, well, he smelled like Draco, and her thrice-damned body was ignoring her brain's frantic commands not to go all weak-kneed right now.
Then she felt his right hand on her butt and that was when her brain shut up and... Draco released her.
"There." He held up her wand. "Just had to make sure you weren't going to hex my boxers. I want to make sure Little Draco stays healthy."
"I don't need my wand to-!" but she was interrupted by a polite cough from behind her.
"Excuse me, but some of us are trying to work here. Could you please take your foreplay somewhere else?"
It was an old witch carrying several dusty scrolls.
"It's all right, we're married," said Draco pleasantly.
Ginny was about to refute this - very loudly - but Draco quickly embraced her and pressed her face into his shoulder so she couldn't open her mouth. In fact, she couldn't even breathe.
"Ginny here is very worried about a friend of ours. In fact, could you tell me where Fredda Gamp has her office?"
"Hm. She's just to the right, first door. I think your wife is chocking, there."
"Yes, she's always been experimental like that. It's exciting, living on the edge every day. Who ever said marriage was boring?"
"Not I, my husband and- Uh. You just go on to Gamp's office, young man, and never you mind."
The witch left and Draco released Ginny.
"We. Are. Not. Married."
"Yes, I keep forgetting that. Maybe you could forget it too? It would make things so much easier."
"Yes, but as I've told you several times today, I want curtains."
"Weasley, it would sound so much better if you said 'Neville' instead of 'curtains'. I bet you can't even remember his name most of the time."
"Of course I can, you moron, it's-"
Then she was grabbed for the third time in a very short while, and this time, he kissed her. It was a hard and possessive kiss, and it was over before it had begun and she was left wanting more. Always wanting more.
"What's his name, Ginevra?"
"I-"
"Told you so."
"Malfoy, you toad, you think I'm going to fall for your old tricks, but I'm not. I love Ned - Neville, I love Neville and not all relationships are built on sex, anyway."
"Ours wasn't. Well, it was, but we had more than great sex. We were friends-"
"You bossed me around-"
"Great discussion-"
"Arguments!"
"The same outlook on life-"
"Well I've changed! Get it into your thick head that I don't want to live like that any more! I'm sick and tired of it and have the divorce papers to prove it, so back off, Malfoy!"
They stared at each other. Ginny noticed his hair was all out of place. She tried to avoid the look in his eyes. It seemed she could actually hurt the great Draco Malfoy. She hadn't known that.
"All right, Weasley. I believe you wanted me here to sort out this business with Longbottom? We should get to it," and he brushed past her to knock at Gamp's door. Ginny took a deep breath and adjusted her hair and robes.
She didn't feel so good. Stupid her and stupid Malfoy and stupid Neville. Stupid Harry Potter, for that matter. Stupid world, too.
Stupid.
*
Fredda Gamp had a very clean office. Her desk was not just tidy - it didn't have a single scroll on it, just a few quills. Her walls were full of posters of the most wanted criminals in the Wizarding World. Ginny spotted one with Lucius Malfoy. When she looked at his picture, he sneered and his mouth shaped what looked like the words "blood traitor" - Ginny thought it just as well that the posters were silent.
"I'm afraid Mr. Longbottom is accused of a terrible crime, Miss Weasley. We can't just release him, he should be rehabilitated and than allowed to enter society a different - and better - person."
"Neville doesn't need to be rehabilitated! He's fine just the way he is!"
"Only with an unfortunate habit of picking up prost-"
"Shut up, Malfoy! You're not helping!"
"The lady has refused to give us her name, but we believe she must be a woman without any regard for the law."
"Look, Ms. Gamp, I know what this must look like, but trust me, Neville isn't like that. We're engaged to be married, and he's employed by the Unicorn Society, and he's a War Hero, besides!"
"He is? Maybe he's suffering from Second War Syndrome, you know. We've had many cases where perfectly normal wizards have just gone bonkers one day."
"That's ridiculous! I'm a War Hero, too, and so is Malfoy here, even if you can't tell by looking at him."
"I resent that. I think I look pretty good."
"Yes, but your good looks are too polished. A real Hero looks more like Harry, you know, hair all tousled, scars... Tall, but not too tall. Thin to the point of being rangy... Sexy, but don't know it, that type of man."
"Forgive me for not swooning at the thought of Harry Potter. I'm surprised you divorced him, you've clearly still got a Harry hang-up."
"I do not have a-"
"Harry Potter? You were married to Harry Potter?" said Gamp.
Ginny frowned.
"Well, yes, but that has nothing to do with-"
"Shut up, Ginevra. Yes, this is Mrs. Ginny Potter, in person. And she really wants to sort out this mess with Longbottom. Is there nothing you can do, Ms. Gamp? Not even for Harry Potter's little lady?"
"Harry's little lady?" muttered Ginny.
"You sure you want Longbottom out of here?" whispered Draco. "Because I can think of a million things to do other than this."
"Well, this is Mr. Longbottom's first offence..." said Gamp.
"And last!" said Ginny.
"After all, how many prostitutes can there be in LlanfairpwllgwyngyllgogeryOW!"
"Next time, it's Little Draco," said Ginny.
"All right, for Harry Potter's sake, I'm willing to let him go. If you'll just wait here..."
Gamp left, and Ginny turned to Draco.
"All right, you can leave now. I'll get you my article in an hour or so."
"What, leave before I get to hear Longbottom's story? Not on your life!"
"There is no story! It was all a mistake!"
"Yes, we wouldn't want you to marry someone who picks up..."
"Shut up, they're coming. Neville?"
Neville entered, Gamp on his heels.
"Ginny! I've no idea how this happened! This witch said she had no money and no place to go, and before I knew it she reached for my... Well, for my privates, really. And then the Hit-Wizards just Apparated and arrested us! Ginny, I swear I was just trying to help!"
"Wait, they arrested this witch too?" said Ginny. "I want to meet her! This is the craziest story I've heard in, well, since I had to listen to Kevin Whitby - anyway, Ms. Gamp, we really must talk to this witch!"
"Now, really, Weasley, I think Longbottom's suffered enough, haven't you, Longbottom? Why would you want to drag up all those bad memories, can't you see the man's been traumatised!"
"Now, that's very kind of you, Malfoy, but I'm not sure traumatised is the correct-"
"Wait, what do you care if Neville sees this tramp again?" said Ginny, narrowing her eyes at Malfoy. "Now I really want to meet this person! Ms. Gamp, for the sake of Harry Potter, please let us meet her!"
Gamp clearly could not resist that name. She left the room again.
"I think I'm needed elsewhere, actually. Well, it's been nice seeing you-"
"One more step towards that door and you'll be adopting Muggles if you ever want kids!"
"What is going on here," asked Neville, looking from Ginny to Draco.
And then, Pansy Parkinson walked through the door.
The world and characters of this fic belongs to JK Rowling. The plot, title and some lines are a rip-off of the Howard Hawks' movie "His Girl Friday". Yes, it's Draco as Cary Grant, and why not? Many thanks to mrsFelton88 for her beta.
*
"Draco Tyrannis Malfoy! If you don't meet me at the DMLE in five seconds I will hex your boxers so tight you'll be talking like old Grandmother Prewett for the rest of your life!"
Ginny drew her head out of the fire without waiting for an answer, and sprinted down the stairs to Level Two - she was too angry to wait for a lift.
It came as no surprise to her that Malfoy was leaning against the wall next to the Level Two stairs, looking not in the least hurried or worried, of course. The rat knew very well why he was here!
"You! You rat-faced, demon-crapping, double-crossing-!"
"Unicorn?"
"Chimpanzee!"
"Oh, really, now, at least use a magical best to compare me to. An ape?"
"Apes are too good for you, anyway. What have you done to - no, I know what you've done to Neville, you were supposed to baby-sit him until I got back! Now he's been taken by the Hit-Wizards!"
"He is? What for, I wonder?"
"As if you don't have Extendable Ears everywhere! I'm sure you knew the minute they picked him up!"
"Oh, well, as to that, I was just going to Floo you, Ginny..."
"Oh, you were, were you? Why, I'm just going to twist your lying tongue into knots..." She reached for his throat, thinking a good strangling would make her day just perfect, but he caught her hands and yanked her to him, trapping her hands between them.
"I think not, Weasley. I need my tongue for lambasting politicians."
"You're a writer! You can lambast them in writing!" She squirmed to get away from him. He was warm and hard and smelled, well, he smelled like Draco, and her thrice-damned body was ignoring her brain's frantic commands not to go all weak-kneed right now.
Then she felt his right hand on her butt and that was when her brain shut up and... Draco released her.
"There." He held up her wand. "Just had to make sure you weren't going to hex my boxers. I want to make sure Little Draco stays healthy."
"I don't need my wand to-!" but she was interrupted by a polite cough from behind her.
"Excuse me, but some of us are trying to work here. Could you please take your foreplay somewhere else?"
It was an old witch carrying several dusty scrolls.
"It's all right, we're married," said Draco pleasantly.
Ginny was about to refute this - very loudly - but Draco quickly embraced her and pressed her face into his shoulder so she couldn't open her mouth. In fact, she couldn't even breathe.
"Ginny here is very worried about a friend of ours. In fact, could you tell me where Fredda Gamp has her office?"
"Hm. She's just to the right, first door. I think your wife is chocking, there."
"Yes, she's always been experimental like that. It's exciting, living on the edge every day. Who ever said marriage was boring?"
"Not I, my husband and- Uh. You just go on to Gamp's office, young man, and never you mind."
The witch left and Draco released Ginny.
"We. Are. Not. Married."
"Yes, I keep forgetting that. Maybe you could forget it too? It would make things so much easier."
"Yes, but as I've told you several times today, I want curtains."
"Weasley, it would sound so much better if you said 'Neville' instead of 'curtains'. I bet you can't even remember his name most of the time."
"Of course I can, you moron, it's-"
Then she was grabbed for the third time in a very short while, and this time, he kissed her. It was a hard and possessive kiss, and it was over before it had begun and she was left wanting more. Always wanting more.
"What's his name, Ginevra?"
"I-"
"Told you so."
"Malfoy, you toad, you think I'm going to fall for your old tricks, but I'm not. I love Ned - Neville, I love Neville and not all relationships are built on sex, anyway."
"Ours wasn't. Well, it was, but we had more than great sex. We were friends-"
"You bossed me around-"
"Great discussion-"
"Arguments!"
"The same outlook on life-"
"Well I've changed! Get it into your thick head that I don't want to live like that any more! I'm sick and tired of it and have the divorce papers to prove it, so back off, Malfoy!"
They stared at each other. Ginny noticed his hair was all out of place. She tried to avoid the look in his eyes. It seemed she could actually hurt the great Draco Malfoy. She hadn't known that.
"All right, Weasley. I believe you wanted me here to sort out this business with Longbottom? We should get to it," and he brushed past her to knock at Gamp's door. Ginny took a deep breath and adjusted her hair and robes.
She didn't feel so good. Stupid her and stupid Malfoy and stupid Neville. Stupid Harry Potter, for that matter. Stupid world, too.
Stupid.
*
Fredda Gamp had a very clean office. Her desk was not just tidy - it didn't have a single scroll on it, just a few quills. Her walls were full of posters of the most wanted criminals in the Wizarding World. Ginny spotted one with Lucius Malfoy. When she looked at his picture, he sneered and his mouth shaped what looked like the words "blood traitor" - Ginny thought it just as well that the posters were silent.
"I'm afraid Mr. Longbottom is accused of a terrible crime, Miss Weasley. We can't just release him, he should be rehabilitated and than allowed to enter society a different - and better - person."
"Neville doesn't need to be rehabilitated! He's fine just the way he is!"
"Only with an unfortunate habit of picking up prost-"
"Shut up, Malfoy! You're not helping!"
"The lady has refused to give us her name, but we believe she must be a woman without any regard for the law."
"Look, Ms. Gamp, I know what this must look like, but trust me, Neville isn't like that. We're engaged to be married, and he's employed by the Unicorn Society, and he's a War Hero, besides!"
"He is? Maybe he's suffering from Second War Syndrome, you know. We've had many cases where perfectly normal wizards have just gone bonkers one day."
"That's ridiculous! I'm a War Hero, too, and so is Malfoy here, even if you can't tell by looking at him."
"I resent that. I think I look pretty good."
"Yes, but your good looks are too polished. A real Hero looks more like Harry, you know, hair all tousled, scars... Tall, but not too tall. Thin to the point of being rangy... Sexy, but don't know it, that type of man."
"Forgive me for not swooning at the thought of Harry Potter. I'm surprised you divorced him, you've clearly still got a Harry hang-up."
"I do not have a-"
"Harry Potter? You were married to Harry Potter?" said Gamp.
Ginny frowned.
"Well, yes, but that has nothing to do with-"
"Shut up, Ginevra. Yes, this is Mrs. Ginny Potter, in person. And she really wants to sort out this mess with Longbottom. Is there nothing you can do, Ms. Gamp? Not even for Harry Potter's little lady?"
"Harry's little lady?" muttered Ginny.
"You sure you want Longbottom out of here?" whispered Draco. "Because I can think of a million things to do other than this."
"Well, this is Mr. Longbottom's first offence..." said Gamp.
"And last!" said Ginny.
"After all, how many prostitutes can there be in LlanfairpwllgwyngyllgogeryOW!"
"Next time, it's Little Draco," said Ginny.
"All right, for Harry Potter's sake, I'm willing to let him go. If you'll just wait here..."
Gamp left, and Ginny turned to Draco.
"All right, you can leave now. I'll get you my article in an hour or so."
"What, leave before I get to hear Longbottom's story? Not on your life!"
"There is no story! It was all a mistake!"
"Yes, we wouldn't want you to marry someone who picks up..."
"Shut up, they're coming. Neville?"
Neville entered, Gamp on his heels.
"Ginny! I've no idea how this happened! This witch said she had no money and no place to go, and before I knew it she reached for my... Well, for my privates, really. And then the Hit-Wizards just Apparated and arrested us! Ginny, I swear I was just trying to help!"
"Wait, they arrested this witch too?" said Ginny. "I want to meet her! This is the craziest story I've heard in, well, since I had to listen to Kevin Whitby - anyway, Ms. Gamp, we really must talk to this witch!"
"Now, really, Weasley, I think Longbottom's suffered enough, haven't you, Longbottom? Why would you want to drag up all those bad memories, can't you see the man's been traumatised!"
"Now, that's very kind of you, Malfoy, but I'm not sure traumatised is the correct-"
"Wait, what do you care if Neville sees this tramp again?" said Ginny, narrowing her eyes at Malfoy. "Now I really want to meet this person! Ms. Gamp, for the sake of Harry Potter, please let us meet her!"
Gamp clearly could not resist that name. She left the room again.
"I think I'm needed elsewhere, actually. Well, it's been nice seeing you-"
"One more step towards that door and you'll be adopting Muggles if you ever want kids!"
"What is going on here," asked Neville, looking from Ginny to Draco.
And then, Pansy Parkinson walked through the door.
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