Exactly one week after what I have taken to calling in my mind, the ‘Ginny Disaster’, I wake up knowing that I will go see her today. I know that she will be waiting for a package and I will be there too. I have waited this long because I wanted to give her time to get over her embarrassment (see, I really am a nice guy) and also, though this is embarrassing, because I wanted time away from her. I wanted time to think over my discoveries that night, that, apparently, I was really starting to like Ginny Weasley. Not that she did much to endorse herself to me. Angry, drunk girls who throw whiskey bottles don’t usually turn me on, but they don’t have Ginny’s blank eyes.
I am lying in bed when I come to this realisation. I have been thinking about Ginny almost nonstop since that night, and I can’t work out what attracts me to her. The only conclusion I can come to is that I like the fact that she is just as, perhaps more, damaged and fucked-up than me. That should make a great base for a relationship.
But I want her.
I want to make her smile. I want to spend time with her. I want to get to know her more. I want to touch her. So, I decide to do just that (no, not the touching one. At least, not right away). I will get to know Ginny Weasley, starting tonight.
First though, I promised Blaise I would go running with him. I pull the curtains from my bed aside and try to restrain myself from leaping out of my bed. Somehow with my mind made up on how to deal with the ‘Ginny Disaster’, my body feels lighter.
‘Blaise, Blaise, wakey, wakey,’ I say in a bright and falsely-cheering voice as I shake him awake.
‘Wha...stop...who...mmggghhh,’ says Blaise in his usual articulate manner.
‘Wake-up, Blaise. It’s a beautiful day.’
He rolls over and shoves his head under a pillow.
‘I’m going to have to be nasty, Blaise. We need to go running.’
He doesn’t move.
‘Fine, you asked for it, my friend.’
I grab my wand from my table and whisper, ‘Aguamenti’. The water goes everywhere, wetting all of Blaise and his bedclothes.
When the water stops, I am staring at a sodden, pissed-off Blaise.
‘You fucking asshole!’ he says before launching himself at me. What follows is a rather energetic battle where Blaise tries to punch me and I try not be punched. Eventually, we stop and lie breathing hard on the floor.
‘At least we’re both awake now,’ I say, just loud enough for him to hear.
Blaise starts to laugh. ‘Nutcase.’
‘Idiot.’
‘Fool.’
‘Imbecile.’
‘Abruti.’
‘What the hell does that mean?’
‘Idiot in French, and you just lost. Idiot.’
He laughs.
‘Want to go for that run?’ I ask.
‘Sure. After you dry off my bed.’
I roll my eyes but dry it anyway.
Soon we are half-way around the lake, and I, at least, am a little out of breath.
‘Damn you, Zabini.’
‘I can’t help it if I was born wonderful.’
‘And modest too.’
We are quiet for awhile, listening to our feet pound on the ground.
‘Malfoy, you know what you said a couple of weeks ago about The Dark Lord and living and stuff?’
I am silent at first. Crap. ‘Umm, not really.’
‘Well, we were talking about the War and what we’ll do after... and you were all like ‘if we live’ and, well, it’s made me think.’
This could be really, really bad.
‘About?’ I ask tentatively.
‘The War and who we are fighting for. I guess I’ve never really thought about it before. But the others were talking about how their parents want them to join and how they are looking forward to it. They asked about mum and what she thought. She really couldn’t give a crap what I do. I told them that and they think I should join with them but... I just don’t know. I’ve been thinking, that’s all. And we’re mates and I just wanted to know what you were thinking.’
I am silent. I have so many cards I could play. I have no reason to trust Blaise (he could already be working for the Dark Lord, but somehow I doubt it) but I have no reason to distrust him either. I make up my mind.
‘I’m not joining, Blaise.’
‘But, your dad...’
‘I know. The shit is going to hit the fan.’
‘But, your dad...he’s...wow. You got guts, Draco.’
We’ve stopped running now and are staring at each other.
‘No, I don’t,’ I answer. ‘I’m scared shitless. If I was brave, I would have stood up to him before last year.’
‘Better late than never.’
‘I guess.’
‘Then I won’t join either. You need somebody to hold your back.’
‘Thanks, mate. If you want to talk to somebody, Snape...’
‘But he’s a Death Eater.’
‘He’s a spy for Dumbledore. I don’t know how exactly or what their history is. He’s helped me a lot, particularly in the past two years.’
‘I’ll see him today then. I guess.’
‘He’ll help. He’s good at helping.’
‘Okay then. I guess we should start running again.’
‘Blaise, this is going to stay between you and me.’
‘Of course. I want to live, too. I’m not an idiot. And we will live through this, Draco. We will.’
‘Sometimes it’s a bit hard to believe.’
‘That’s why it’s so important to believe.’
I nod and start to run.
Blaise’s words are spinning through my head as I walk up the Astronomy Tower later that night. It’s important to believe. It’s important to hope. I have to remember that. She is there, almost waiting for me I think, when I arrive at the top of the Astronomy Tower.
She speaks first. ‘Why did you come?’
‘I wanted to see you,’ I say truthfully and a little recklessly. ‘How are you?’
‘Fine. I had a rather bad headache this morning, but I’m fine now. Thank you for taking me back to my dorm.’
‘It was nothing.’
‘I realise you could fire me, Draco. I stuffed up. I let you down when you were going to receive a very important package. I apologise,’ she says as she turns toward me, head up defiantly. It is only now that I realise she is smoking.
Drinking. Smoking. What will this girl do next?
‘I have no intention of firing you, Ginny.’ It hadn’t even been near my thoughts.
‘Oh...that’s good.’
‘Yes.’
I remember my pledge to get to know her better.
‘So, how has school been?’ It is the most awkward question in the entire world. It sounds like something an aunt or grandmother says.
She raises an eyebrow. ‘Why should you care, Malfoy?’
I am surprised at my answer. ‘Because I want to get to know you better. I’ve barely had a proper conversation with you since this whole thing started.’
‘You want to know me better? Is this some sort of elaborate joke for you?’
‘No.’ I am confused. I just want to talk to her, damn it.
‘School has been absolutely wonderful. Thank you for your inquiry, Draco,’ she answers sarcastically.
But she has called me Draco again and I thank Merlin for it. ‘How is your family?’
‘Bloody fantastic, Draco. Ron is off Merlin-knows-where trying to kill Voldemort.’
I flinch when she says his name. She notices, but doesn’t say anything.
‘My parents are scared crapless worrying about all of us, particularly Ron and Harry and Hermione. The rest of my brothers are trying to help the Order and not die. Plus, they won’t trust little Ginny with anything. And I have no idea why I am telling you this as you are probably going to just go write a letter to your father outlining it all.’
I laugh. ‘Firstly, I don’t write letters to my father. We don’t get along. Secondly, I’m not going to become a Death Eater. Thirdly, I would trust with you everything.’ Oh My Merlin, what did I just say? The secondly and thirdly. I can’t work out if I’m more scared I told her about the Death Eaters or that I said that soppy line.
She snorts.
‘Ooh, you are such a romantic, Draco. I may just fall over.’
‘I’d catch you.’ Then I ruin it by snorting. ‘Sorry, that was a truly horrific line.’
‘It was. Did you mean what you said about not becoming a Death Eater?’
‘Yes, last year didn’t agree with me. The Dark Lord doesn’t agree with me.’
She nods, but she doesn’t look convinced.
‘You can trust me, Ginny.’
‘I can’t trust anyone,’ she whispers. ‘I trusted badly, once, a long time ago. It was a mistake.’
I have no idea what she is speaking about. ‘Is it to do with that guy?’
‘Which guy?’ she asks, turning to look hard in my eyes.
‘The guy who you threatened that first night. That guy that Pomfrey can’t fix. The guy who’s stopping you from sleeping.’
She doesn’t say anything.
‘Is it?’ I insist.
‘I don’t want to talk about it.’
‘Well, I do.’
‘Draco, the world does not revolve around you and your wants.’
‘And what a pity that is. Just tell me.’
‘No.’
I go to pull her closer so I can look at her face better, but she flinches when I grab her. I stop, but not before I remember to look down at her arms. There are no new marks, but the old ones shine in the darkness.
She notices my glance. ‘I cover them with a glamour in the day, but here...there doesn’t seem a point.’
‘There isn’t. Please don’t do it again. Promise me.’
She bites down on her lip. ‘I don’t do promises, Draco. They are broken far too easily.’
‘Please.’
She just shakes her head.
‘Somebody told me today, Ginny, that you have to believe. You also have to hope and trust. I think a promise is just as important as those things.’
She doesn’t say anything, but I see a tear rolling down her cheek. I don’t press the issue. It seems with Ginny I won’t ever get the answers I want.
‘Will you remove the glamours?’
With a wave of her wand, they are gone and her trampled innocence is laid clear to the world. I examine her face. I want to take it in my hands, but I don’t think she’s ready for that yet.
‘You look better.’ I am lying. If I squint, she looks very, very slightly better; probably because the last time I saw her without her glamours she was drunk and crying as well. But I don’t think that is the way to woo her.
‘Thanks. I don’t sleep well.’
‘Due to the nightmares which are due to the guy whose name you won’t tell me.’
She says nothing.
‘Will you take a sleep potion?’
‘I’m not asking for one. Pomfrey will want to know what the matter is and I’m not willing to discuss it.’
‘I can get you some without questions.’
‘How?’
She is always suspicious.
‘From my source. Don’t worry. I trust him.’
‘Who?’
I decide I have to lead by example. Anyway, I trust her already. ‘Snape.’
‘He won’t ask questions?’
I decide to forgo saying that he saw us on the way back to the Tower that night and won’t need to ask any questions. ‘No, he won’t. He’ll probably assume it’s for me. I had to take some Dreamless Sleep last year.’
‘Right.’
She doesn’t want to talk about last year it seems. ‘Right.’ I say. All throughout our conversation she has been sucking on that damn cigarette. ‘Does anyone know you smoke?’
‘No. I don’t do it around others.’
‘Just when you’re alone.’
‘Yes.’
‘Or with me.’
‘It appears so.’
Well, that’s healthy. I don’t say anything though. I don’t want to ruin this tentative friendship we seem to be developing.
‘Can I have some?’
She passes it to me. I try to do it with her effortless ease, but I fail miserably and end up coughing. Smoking was never part of my bad-boy routine. ‘I don’t understand why people smoke.’
‘People probably do it for lots of reasons. They’re bored. Their friends are doing it. They want to be cool. They enjoy it. They have no reason. They want to.’
‘Why do you do it?’
‘I smoke to die, Draco.’
I almost laugh, but I can’t work out if she is joking or not. This scares the crap out of me.
‘You can’t mean that.’
She smiles now, darkly and cynically. ‘Oh, but I can. That is, perhaps, the most wonderful thing of all.’
‘Don’t leave, Ginny,’ I say as I sit down and take her hand to pull her down with me. I don’t entirely understand what I mean with this, so I don’t know how she can understand it either. Don’t leave the Tower. Don’t leave me. Don’t leave this earth. She sits, folding her legs beneath herself. Then she takes my hand and we sit in the darkness with the only light coming from the stars and the tip of her cigarette.
I am lying in bed when I come to this realisation. I have been thinking about Ginny almost nonstop since that night, and I can’t work out what attracts me to her. The only conclusion I can come to is that I like the fact that she is just as, perhaps more, damaged and fucked-up than me. That should make a great base for a relationship.
But I want her.
I want to make her smile. I want to spend time with her. I want to get to know her more. I want to touch her. So, I decide to do just that (no, not the touching one. At least, not right away). I will get to know Ginny Weasley, starting tonight.
First though, I promised Blaise I would go running with him. I pull the curtains from my bed aside and try to restrain myself from leaping out of my bed. Somehow with my mind made up on how to deal with the ‘Ginny Disaster’, my body feels lighter.
‘Blaise, Blaise, wakey, wakey,’ I say in a bright and falsely-cheering voice as I shake him awake.
‘Wha...stop...who...mmggghhh,’ says Blaise in his usual articulate manner.
‘Wake-up, Blaise. It’s a beautiful day.’
He rolls over and shoves his head under a pillow.
‘I’m going to have to be nasty, Blaise. We need to go running.’
He doesn’t move.
‘Fine, you asked for it, my friend.’
I grab my wand from my table and whisper, ‘Aguamenti’. The water goes everywhere, wetting all of Blaise and his bedclothes.
When the water stops, I am staring at a sodden, pissed-off Blaise.
‘You fucking asshole!’ he says before launching himself at me. What follows is a rather energetic battle where Blaise tries to punch me and I try not be punched. Eventually, we stop and lie breathing hard on the floor.
‘At least we’re both awake now,’ I say, just loud enough for him to hear.
Blaise starts to laugh. ‘Nutcase.’
‘Idiot.’
‘Fool.’
‘Imbecile.’
‘Abruti.’
‘What the hell does that mean?’
‘Idiot in French, and you just lost. Idiot.’
He laughs.
‘Want to go for that run?’ I ask.
‘Sure. After you dry off my bed.’
I roll my eyes but dry it anyway.
Soon we are half-way around the lake, and I, at least, am a little out of breath.
‘Damn you, Zabini.’
‘I can’t help it if I was born wonderful.’
‘And modest too.’
We are quiet for awhile, listening to our feet pound on the ground.
‘Malfoy, you know what you said a couple of weeks ago about The Dark Lord and living and stuff?’
I am silent at first. Crap. ‘Umm, not really.’
‘Well, we were talking about the War and what we’ll do after... and you were all like ‘if we live’ and, well, it’s made me think.’
This could be really, really bad.
‘About?’ I ask tentatively.
‘The War and who we are fighting for. I guess I’ve never really thought about it before. But the others were talking about how their parents want them to join and how they are looking forward to it. They asked about mum and what she thought. She really couldn’t give a crap what I do. I told them that and they think I should join with them but... I just don’t know. I’ve been thinking, that’s all. And we’re mates and I just wanted to know what you were thinking.’
I am silent. I have so many cards I could play. I have no reason to trust Blaise (he could already be working for the Dark Lord, but somehow I doubt it) but I have no reason to distrust him either. I make up my mind.
‘I’m not joining, Blaise.’
‘But, your dad...’
‘I know. The shit is going to hit the fan.’
‘But, your dad...he’s...wow. You got guts, Draco.’
We’ve stopped running now and are staring at each other.
‘No, I don’t,’ I answer. ‘I’m scared shitless. If I was brave, I would have stood up to him before last year.’
‘Better late than never.’
‘I guess.’
‘Then I won’t join either. You need somebody to hold your back.’
‘Thanks, mate. If you want to talk to somebody, Snape...’
‘But he’s a Death Eater.’
‘He’s a spy for Dumbledore. I don’t know how exactly or what their history is. He’s helped me a lot, particularly in the past two years.’
‘I’ll see him today then. I guess.’
‘He’ll help. He’s good at helping.’
‘Okay then. I guess we should start running again.’
‘Blaise, this is going to stay between you and me.’
‘Of course. I want to live, too. I’m not an idiot. And we will live through this, Draco. We will.’
‘Sometimes it’s a bit hard to believe.’
‘That’s why it’s so important to believe.’
I nod and start to run.
Blaise’s words are spinning through my head as I walk up the Astronomy Tower later that night. It’s important to believe. It’s important to hope. I have to remember that. She is there, almost waiting for me I think, when I arrive at the top of the Astronomy Tower.
She speaks first. ‘Why did you come?’
‘I wanted to see you,’ I say truthfully and a little recklessly. ‘How are you?’
‘Fine. I had a rather bad headache this morning, but I’m fine now. Thank you for taking me back to my dorm.’
‘It was nothing.’
‘I realise you could fire me, Draco. I stuffed up. I let you down when you were going to receive a very important package. I apologise,’ she says as she turns toward me, head up defiantly. It is only now that I realise she is smoking.
Drinking. Smoking. What will this girl do next?
‘I have no intention of firing you, Ginny.’ It hadn’t even been near my thoughts.
‘Oh...that’s good.’
‘Yes.’
I remember my pledge to get to know her better.
‘So, how has school been?’ It is the most awkward question in the entire world. It sounds like something an aunt or grandmother says.
She raises an eyebrow. ‘Why should you care, Malfoy?’
I am surprised at my answer. ‘Because I want to get to know you better. I’ve barely had a proper conversation with you since this whole thing started.’
‘You want to know me better? Is this some sort of elaborate joke for you?’
‘No.’ I am confused. I just want to talk to her, damn it.
‘School has been absolutely wonderful. Thank you for your inquiry, Draco,’ she answers sarcastically.
But she has called me Draco again and I thank Merlin for it. ‘How is your family?’
‘Bloody fantastic, Draco. Ron is off Merlin-knows-where trying to kill Voldemort.’
I flinch when she says his name. She notices, but doesn’t say anything.
‘My parents are scared crapless worrying about all of us, particularly Ron and Harry and Hermione. The rest of my brothers are trying to help the Order and not die. Plus, they won’t trust little Ginny with anything. And I have no idea why I am telling you this as you are probably going to just go write a letter to your father outlining it all.’
I laugh. ‘Firstly, I don’t write letters to my father. We don’t get along. Secondly, I’m not going to become a Death Eater. Thirdly, I would trust with you everything.’ Oh My Merlin, what did I just say? The secondly and thirdly. I can’t work out if I’m more scared I told her about the Death Eaters or that I said that soppy line.
She snorts.
‘Ooh, you are such a romantic, Draco. I may just fall over.’
‘I’d catch you.’ Then I ruin it by snorting. ‘Sorry, that was a truly horrific line.’
‘It was. Did you mean what you said about not becoming a Death Eater?’
‘Yes, last year didn’t agree with me. The Dark Lord doesn’t agree with me.’
She nods, but she doesn’t look convinced.
‘You can trust me, Ginny.’
‘I can’t trust anyone,’ she whispers. ‘I trusted badly, once, a long time ago. It was a mistake.’
I have no idea what she is speaking about. ‘Is it to do with that guy?’
‘Which guy?’ she asks, turning to look hard in my eyes.
‘The guy who you threatened that first night. That guy that Pomfrey can’t fix. The guy who’s stopping you from sleeping.’
She doesn’t say anything.
‘Is it?’ I insist.
‘I don’t want to talk about it.’
‘Well, I do.’
‘Draco, the world does not revolve around you and your wants.’
‘And what a pity that is. Just tell me.’
‘No.’
I go to pull her closer so I can look at her face better, but she flinches when I grab her. I stop, but not before I remember to look down at her arms. There are no new marks, but the old ones shine in the darkness.
She notices my glance. ‘I cover them with a glamour in the day, but here...there doesn’t seem a point.’
‘There isn’t. Please don’t do it again. Promise me.’
She bites down on her lip. ‘I don’t do promises, Draco. They are broken far too easily.’
‘Please.’
She just shakes her head.
‘Somebody told me today, Ginny, that you have to believe. You also have to hope and trust. I think a promise is just as important as those things.’
She doesn’t say anything, but I see a tear rolling down her cheek. I don’t press the issue. It seems with Ginny I won’t ever get the answers I want.
‘Will you remove the glamours?’
With a wave of her wand, they are gone and her trampled innocence is laid clear to the world. I examine her face. I want to take it in my hands, but I don’t think she’s ready for that yet.
‘You look better.’ I am lying. If I squint, she looks very, very slightly better; probably because the last time I saw her without her glamours she was drunk and crying as well. But I don’t think that is the way to woo her.
‘Thanks. I don’t sleep well.’
‘Due to the nightmares which are due to the guy whose name you won’t tell me.’
She says nothing.
‘Will you take a sleep potion?’
‘I’m not asking for one. Pomfrey will want to know what the matter is and I’m not willing to discuss it.’
‘I can get you some without questions.’
‘How?’
She is always suspicious.
‘From my source. Don’t worry. I trust him.’
‘Who?’
I decide I have to lead by example. Anyway, I trust her already. ‘Snape.’
‘He won’t ask questions?’
I decide to forgo saying that he saw us on the way back to the Tower that night and won’t need to ask any questions. ‘No, he won’t. He’ll probably assume it’s for me. I had to take some Dreamless Sleep last year.’
‘Right.’
She doesn’t want to talk about last year it seems. ‘Right.’ I say. All throughout our conversation she has been sucking on that damn cigarette. ‘Does anyone know you smoke?’
‘No. I don’t do it around others.’
‘Just when you’re alone.’
‘Yes.’
‘Or with me.’
‘It appears so.’
Well, that’s healthy. I don’t say anything though. I don’t want to ruin this tentative friendship we seem to be developing.
‘Can I have some?’
She passes it to me. I try to do it with her effortless ease, but I fail miserably and end up coughing. Smoking was never part of my bad-boy routine. ‘I don’t understand why people smoke.’
‘People probably do it for lots of reasons. They’re bored. Their friends are doing it. They want to be cool. They enjoy it. They have no reason. They want to.’
‘Why do you do it?’
‘I smoke to die, Draco.’
I almost laugh, but I can’t work out if she is joking or not. This scares the crap out of me.
‘You can’t mean that.’
She smiles now, darkly and cynically. ‘Oh, but I can. That is, perhaps, the most wonderful thing of all.’
‘Don’t leave, Ginny,’ I say as I sit down and take her hand to pull her down with me. I don’t entirely understand what I mean with this, so I don’t know how she can understand it either. Don’t leave the Tower. Don’t leave me. Don’t leave this earth. She sits, folding her legs beneath herself. Then she takes my hand and we sit in the darkness with the only light coming from the stars and the tip of her cigarette.
Author notes: The 'smoking to die' line is stolen from Looking for Alaska by John Green. I hope everyone is enjoying the story.
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