Author's Notes:
The world and characters of this fic belongs to JK Rowling. The plot, title and some lines are a rip-off of the Howard Hawks' movie "His Girl Friday". Yes, it's Draco as Cary Grant, and why not? Many thanks to mrsFelton88 for her beta.
*
The first time a member of the Press had asked the Ministry for a press-room, the Minister of Magic had laughed for several hours. The next forty-nine times someone had asked for a press-room, the same thing happened. The fifty-first time, Paracelsus Lovegood had been the one to ask the question - and as it happened, he had been standing next to Harry Potter at the time. And Harry Potter had said it was a splendid idea, and so, the press-room was born.
That it was located just off the Atrium, in a broom closet, was the Minister's way of showing what he thought of the wizards and witches of the Press. It was bigger on the inside, anyway - slightly bigger than a real broom closet.
Ginny peeked in and found that, like at the Prophet, things had not changed much in the past ten weeks. Parvati Patil was making tea while keeping one eye out of the window, charmed to show whatever view was wanted, and Daphne Greengrass was throwing quills at Simon Capper. Eddie Carmichael was shouting into a fireplace, and Alfgar Keddle was petting the owls. Everyone was smoking, and the room had not been cleaned since, well, ever.
These people, and one or two others, were the political reporters of the British Wizarding World. They mostly had no life outside of their jobs, they fought each other for the best stories, and everyone who worked for the Ministry would have liked to hex them on sight.
Ginny loved them dearly and considered them a second family.
"Anyone home?"
"Ginny!" shrieked Parvati, and tossed the teapot across the room, so she could embrace Ginny with both arms. The teapot splattered tea all over the room, and everyone started screaming or hooting.
"Patil! You're upsetting the Feathered Ones," said Keddle, and hugged a small one to his chest.
"Oh, whatever!" said Parvati. "Ginny! How was the Bahamas?"
"Warm," said Ginny. "So how are things here? Daphne and Simon break up again?"
"Last night. I'm hoping she won't take him back until tomorrow, because I she's promised me and Lav a sleepover tonight at her place if she's still single."
"Oh, don't worry, I'll never take him back." said Daphne.
"Well, you always say that," said Parvati, "but then you do it anyway. Just like Ginny always goes back to Draco."
"I have not gone back to Draco!"
"Still wearing the ring, aren't you," said Simon. "He made us give him your address in the Bahamas, so he could send you flowers."
"So it was you who gave it to him. Traitors! And no, I'm not wearing his ring. I'm getting married to someone else."
"You are?" said Parvati. "Who? I need to tell Lav so she can write it for the society column."
"It's Neville Longbottom."
"Neville? Really? I mean, I know he's had a crush on you for ages, and Merlin knows he is a War hero, but..."
"No buts. I'm totally over being a reporter and hiding in a broom closet waiting for some Ministry official to sneer at me and tell me lies. I'm moving to Wales to have children."
"See, that's what a real woman does, Daphne. You never once cooked a meal for me. Good thing I dumped you."
"I dumped you!"
They started shouting, so Ginny dragged Parvati into a corner.
"So I need to do one last story for Draco."
"He must be thrilled you're marrying Neville."
"Oh, he'll get over it. I'm giving him my take on the Whitby case for a goodbye present, you know Draco, work comes first."
"Yes, and that's why you love him."
"Parvati Patil! I do not love Draco, all we ever did was fight!"
"But you love fighting!"
"Oh, never mind. Just give me some help here. Kevin Whitby is a nutcase, you know it, I know it, all the girls who went to Hogwarts with him know it..."
"Oh yes, he was always going on about how he could fly without a broom."
"Also he was a lousy kisser."
"That sucks. Didn't you date him when you were on the rebound from Dean?"
"Michael, actually, but yes. Anyway, what a weirdo, but a murderer? Didn't he cry every time he had to Transfigure a spider? He said it hurt them."
"Yes, he did, and if you ask any of us, you'll see that we don't buy it for a second... But if you ask Gilbert Wimple..."
"Ah. Draco was mentioning him, actually."
"Yes, well, he was awfully close to Dirk Cresswell. As in, Cresswell has sent money his way since forever."
"Oh, everyone knows Wimple likes to earn a few extra Galleons when he can."
"Cresswell's wife wants Whitby's head on a platter, too."
"And she has Wimple in her pocket... Listen, do you know where they are holding him?"
"Whitby? Sure, he's in Level One. Good luck getting in there."
"They have to let me see him! Free Press, and all that."
"Yeah, well, I keep telling you, Free Press is a Malfoy invention. We don't have Free Press!"
"Well, it works for the Prophet!" said Ginny, and marched to the closest fireplace.
*
"Draco?" When Ginny's head popped up in his office fireplace, Draco took a moment to admire her, all wrapped in flames. Not everyone looked so pretty on fire...
"What is it, Weasley? You can't have the story already."
"No, you moron, I want to know if you've made the Vow yet. Don't want to waste my time in the dungeons, chasing a mad killer, if you've found a way to drop out of our agreement."
"Ginny!" said Longbottom, "I really, really don't want you running around in a dungeon with a mad killer! Malfoy, even you have to see there must be a limit!"
"Oh, I'm sure they've taken his wand. And Ginny can take care of herself."
"That's right," said Ginny, "I mean, oh, darling, I love it that you think of my safety. Draco once sent me down an old mine shaft and then left me in the dark for days!"
"It was twenty-five minutes, and you had your wand."
"Days!"
"A couple of hours, at most, and we won an award for that story."
"Yes, and you kept the trophy."
Draco smiled at her.
"Well, you know how I hate small, dark, places. It's like being seven and forced to visit Auntie Bella in Azkaban again. Also spiders - I hate spiders," he confided to Longbottom in an aside.
"Oh, I've always wondered why people fear spiders - I find them absolutely fascinating. The
Theridiidae..."
"Neville! Has he made the Vow, or not?"
"Uhm, no. Not yet - we were discussing -"
"Draco Malfoy! Now you give him that Unbreakable Vow or I will leave the Ministry and Apparate straight to Wales and set up house in a dark cave filled with spiders!"
"To, uhm, protect your virtue?"
"You've seen the last of my virtue, Malfoy! Keep dreaming! Make the Vow, or I'll go!"
"Awwf, all right then." Draco began to roll up his sleeve. "Let's get on with it, Longbottom. Weasley, be off and do journalistic doings so I'll have something for the next edition, please. Longbottom can take it from here."
With an angry pop! Ginny's head disappeared from the fire. Draco stretched his wrists towards Longbottom.
"Go ahead, do your worst. I suppose we can disband with the dragon blood, or would you like me to send Goyle out for some?"
"Dragon blood?"
"Well, I know the modern version sticks with just drinking the blood of the victim... I mean, the person making the promise. But you're from one of those old families, too - my Father always insisted on the proper rituals, you know."
"I've never made an Unbreakable Vow. I had no idea there was blood involved!"
"Oh, blood, sacred knifes, virgins... The whole shebang. Also some spitting, I believe. Or was it hair-pulling? I always get those two mixed up. Should have paid more attention in school. Snape always said I could have been a much better student."
"I don't feel at all comfortable drawing blood! Hermione Granger is very passionate about the new Health and Safety in Magic Laws - she is against all uncontrolled forms of blood-letting."
"Good for her! It's about time we left those old rituals behind, really. I never saw the point in sacrificing goblins and pigeons for the sake of a Horcrux or two! Let's have a safer, cleaner, better Wizarding Britain!"
"Yes!"
The two men stood together for a soulful moment, united in their common beliefs. Then Draco reached out a hand.
"Look, Longbottom, how about I just promise you the money? Man to man? Shake on it? And we can always tell Weasley we did the whole blood and gore ritual, if she asks."
"But I don't like lying to Ginny."
"Oh, I do it all the time. Keeps her on her toes. The key to a successful marriage is to only tell the truth if you absolutely have to, trust me."
"...I begin to see why Ginny divorced you."
"Divorced me? It was a mutual agreement! I had to put my foot down eventually. In fact, Ginny had absolutely nothing to do with it."
*
Ginny left the cell on Level One thinking she had a better understanding of Malfoy's fear of small, dark, places. At least this cell had no spiders - Kevin Whitby had struck her as the kind of wizard who would have trained any spiders sharing his accommodation to march in
line or perform a play.
He was madder than she remembered, but during her interview with him, her brain had already begun shaping the article for the next edition - they'd go with an insanity plea. She'd write something that would have every Prophet reader swallow her or his morning tea and then send the Minister an owl, demanding the release of Whitby into the caring hand of the staff at St. Mungos. And Draco could whip up a nice acerbic editorial about the Wizengamot...
She took the lift back to the Press room. Time to make some dough - for the unicorns, of course. Or if it was just for the pleasure of seeing Malfoy giving away twenty thousand Galleons to save some Unicorns.
*
"All right, Longbottom, if we're all agreed here, I need to get back to work."
"Well... About the money for the Foundation..."
"Yes?"
"I mean, I'm happy with your word. But Ginny... I'm not so sure that's going to be good enough for her."
"No, maybe not, but let's not tell her until you're in Wales."
"But Ginny can be pretty persuasive!"
"Bad habit. Better make her get rid of notions like that one."
"Malfoy. Get me something in writing."
"Do I have to?"
"Yes!"
"All right. Zabini! Zabini! Get in here. Draw up an IOU for Longbottom here. He'll give you the details - I need a word with Pansy."
Leaving Longbottom and Zabini in his office, Draco went to find his secretary. She was painting her nails in the ladies' loo. He boldly went where no other man would ever dare go.
"Draco! Really! I'll tell Ginny you were in here."
"You do that, Pans. But first, there's something else I need you to do... Remember Neville Longbottom?"
The world and characters of this fic belongs to JK Rowling. The plot, title and some lines are a rip-off of the Howard Hawks' movie "His Girl Friday". Yes, it's Draco as Cary Grant, and why not? Many thanks to mrsFelton88 for her beta.
*
The first time a member of the Press had asked the Ministry for a press-room, the Minister of Magic had laughed for several hours. The next forty-nine times someone had asked for a press-room, the same thing happened. The fifty-first time, Paracelsus Lovegood had been the one to ask the question - and as it happened, he had been standing next to Harry Potter at the time. And Harry Potter had said it was a splendid idea, and so, the press-room was born.
That it was located just off the Atrium, in a broom closet, was the Minister's way of showing what he thought of the wizards and witches of the Press. It was bigger on the inside, anyway - slightly bigger than a real broom closet.
Ginny peeked in and found that, like at the Prophet, things had not changed much in the past ten weeks. Parvati Patil was making tea while keeping one eye out of the window, charmed to show whatever view was wanted, and Daphne Greengrass was throwing quills at Simon Capper. Eddie Carmichael was shouting into a fireplace, and Alfgar Keddle was petting the owls. Everyone was smoking, and the room had not been cleaned since, well, ever.
These people, and one or two others, were the political reporters of the British Wizarding World. They mostly had no life outside of their jobs, they fought each other for the best stories, and everyone who worked for the Ministry would have liked to hex them on sight.
Ginny loved them dearly and considered them a second family.
"Anyone home?"
"Ginny!" shrieked Parvati, and tossed the teapot across the room, so she could embrace Ginny with both arms. The teapot splattered tea all over the room, and everyone started screaming or hooting.
"Patil! You're upsetting the Feathered Ones," said Keddle, and hugged a small one to his chest.
"Oh, whatever!" said Parvati. "Ginny! How was the Bahamas?"
"Warm," said Ginny. "So how are things here? Daphne and Simon break up again?"
"Last night. I'm hoping she won't take him back until tomorrow, because I she's promised me and Lav a sleepover tonight at her place if she's still single."
"Oh, don't worry, I'll never take him back." said Daphne.
"Well, you always say that," said Parvati, "but then you do it anyway. Just like Ginny always goes back to Draco."
"I have not gone back to Draco!"
"Still wearing the ring, aren't you," said Simon. "He made us give him your address in the Bahamas, so he could send you flowers."
"So it was you who gave it to him. Traitors! And no, I'm not wearing his ring. I'm getting married to someone else."
"You are?" said Parvati. "Who? I need to tell Lav so she can write it for the society column."
"It's Neville Longbottom."
"Neville? Really? I mean, I know he's had a crush on you for ages, and Merlin knows he is a War hero, but..."
"No buts. I'm totally over being a reporter and hiding in a broom closet waiting for some Ministry official to sneer at me and tell me lies. I'm moving to Wales to have children."
"See, that's what a real woman does, Daphne. You never once cooked a meal for me. Good thing I dumped you."
"I dumped you!"
They started shouting, so Ginny dragged Parvati into a corner.
"So I need to do one last story for Draco."
"He must be thrilled you're marrying Neville."
"Oh, he'll get over it. I'm giving him my take on the Whitby case for a goodbye present, you know Draco, work comes first."
"Yes, and that's why you love him."
"Parvati Patil! I do not love Draco, all we ever did was fight!"
"But you love fighting!"
"Oh, never mind. Just give me some help here. Kevin Whitby is a nutcase, you know it, I know it, all the girls who went to Hogwarts with him know it..."
"Oh yes, he was always going on about how he could fly without a broom."
"Also he was a lousy kisser."
"That sucks. Didn't you date him when you were on the rebound from Dean?"
"Michael, actually, but yes. Anyway, what a weirdo, but a murderer? Didn't he cry every time he had to Transfigure a spider? He said it hurt them."
"Yes, he did, and if you ask any of us, you'll see that we don't buy it for a second... But if you ask Gilbert Wimple..."
"Ah. Draco was mentioning him, actually."
"Yes, well, he was awfully close to Dirk Cresswell. As in, Cresswell has sent money his way since forever."
"Oh, everyone knows Wimple likes to earn a few extra Galleons when he can."
"Cresswell's wife wants Whitby's head on a platter, too."
"And she has Wimple in her pocket... Listen, do you know where they are holding him?"
"Whitby? Sure, he's in Level One. Good luck getting in there."
"They have to let me see him! Free Press, and all that."
"Yeah, well, I keep telling you, Free Press is a Malfoy invention. We don't have Free Press!"
"Well, it works for the Prophet!" said Ginny, and marched to the closest fireplace.
*
"Draco?" When Ginny's head popped up in his office fireplace, Draco took a moment to admire her, all wrapped in flames. Not everyone looked so pretty on fire...
"What is it, Weasley? You can't have the story already."
"No, you moron, I want to know if you've made the Vow yet. Don't want to waste my time in the dungeons, chasing a mad killer, if you've found a way to drop out of our agreement."
"Ginny!" said Longbottom, "I really, really don't want you running around in a dungeon with a mad killer! Malfoy, even you have to see there must be a limit!"
"Oh, I'm sure they've taken his wand. And Ginny can take care of herself."
"That's right," said Ginny, "I mean, oh, darling, I love it that you think of my safety. Draco once sent me down an old mine shaft and then left me in the dark for days!"
"It was twenty-five minutes, and you had your wand."
"Days!"
"A couple of hours, at most, and we won an award for that story."
"Yes, and you kept the trophy."
Draco smiled at her.
"Well, you know how I hate small, dark, places. It's like being seven and forced to visit Auntie Bella in Azkaban again. Also spiders - I hate spiders," he confided to Longbottom in an aside.
"Oh, I've always wondered why people fear spiders - I find them absolutely fascinating. The
Theridiidae..."
"Neville! Has he made the Vow, or not?"
"Uhm, no. Not yet - we were discussing -"
"Draco Malfoy! Now you give him that Unbreakable Vow or I will leave the Ministry and Apparate straight to Wales and set up house in a dark cave filled with spiders!"
"To, uhm, protect your virtue?"
"You've seen the last of my virtue, Malfoy! Keep dreaming! Make the Vow, or I'll go!"
"Awwf, all right then." Draco began to roll up his sleeve. "Let's get on with it, Longbottom. Weasley, be off and do journalistic doings so I'll have something for the next edition, please. Longbottom can take it from here."
With an angry pop! Ginny's head disappeared from the fire. Draco stretched his wrists towards Longbottom.
"Go ahead, do your worst. I suppose we can disband with the dragon blood, or would you like me to send Goyle out for some?"
"Dragon blood?"
"Well, I know the modern version sticks with just drinking the blood of the victim... I mean, the person making the promise. But you're from one of those old families, too - my Father always insisted on the proper rituals, you know."
"I've never made an Unbreakable Vow. I had no idea there was blood involved!"
"Oh, blood, sacred knifes, virgins... The whole shebang. Also some spitting, I believe. Or was it hair-pulling? I always get those two mixed up. Should have paid more attention in school. Snape always said I could have been a much better student."
"I don't feel at all comfortable drawing blood! Hermione Granger is very passionate about the new Health and Safety in Magic Laws - she is against all uncontrolled forms of blood-letting."
"Good for her! It's about time we left those old rituals behind, really. I never saw the point in sacrificing goblins and pigeons for the sake of a Horcrux or two! Let's have a safer, cleaner, better Wizarding Britain!"
"Yes!"
The two men stood together for a soulful moment, united in their common beliefs. Then Draco reached out a hand.
"Look, Longbottom, how about I just promise you the money? Man to man? Shake on it? And we can always tell Weasley we did the whole blood and gore ritual, if she asks."
"But I don't like lying to Ginny."
"Oh, I do it all the time. Keeps her on her toes. The key to a successful marriage is to only tell the truth if you absolutely have to, trust me."
"...I begin to see why Ginny divorced you."
"Divorced me? It was a mutual agreement! I had to put my foot down eventually. In fact, Ginny had absolutely nothing to do with it."
*
Ginny left the cell on Level One thinking she had a better understanding of Malfoy's fear of small, dark, places. At least this cell had no spiders - Kevin Whitby had struck her as the kind of wizard who would have trained any spiders sharing his accommodation to march in
line or perform a play.
He was madder than she remembered, but during her interview with him, her brain had already begun shaping the article for the next edition - they'd go with an insanity plea. She'd write something that would have every Prophet reader swallow her or his morning tea and then send the Minister an owl, demanding the release of Whitby into the caring hand of the staff at St. Mungos. And Draco could whip up a nice acerbic editorial about the Wizengamot...
She took the lift back to the Press room. Time to make some dough - for the unicorns, of course. Or if it was just for the pleasure of seeing Malfoy giving away twenty thousand Galleons to save some Unicorns.
*
"All right, Longbottom, if we're all agreed here, I need to get back to work."
"Well... About the money for the Foundation..."
"Yes?"
"I mean, I'm happy with your word. But Ginny... I'm not so sure that's going to be good enough for her."
"No, maybe not, but let's not tell her until you're in Wales."
"But Ginny can be pretty persuasive!"
"Bad habit. Better make her get rid of notions like that one."
"Malfoy. Get me something in writing."
"Do I have to?"
"Yes!"
"All right. Zabini! Zabini! Get in here. Draw up an IOU for Longbottom here. He'll give you the details - I need a word with Pansy."
Leaving Longbottom and Zabini in his office, Draco went to find his secretary. She was painting her nails in the ladies' loo. He boldly went where no other man would ever dare go.
"Draco! Really! I'll tell Ginny you were in here."
"You do that, Pans. But first, there's something else I need you to do... Remember Neville Longbottom?"
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