Author's Notes: The world and characters of this fic belongs to JK Rowling. The story is based on the Howard Hawks' movie "His Girl Friday".
*
"It's her!" said Neville, pointing at Pansy.
"Pansy Parkinson!" said Ginny. "You vile hussy!"
"Pansy," said Draco, "I'm so surprised to see you here. I can't begin to tell you how surprised I am. In fact, my middle name should be Surprised."
"That's Pansy Parkinson? From Hogwarts? I didn't recognise her behind all that tarty makeup and fake blonde hair and Bewitched Breasts (TM)!" said Neville.
"Still surprised over here."
"Malfoy!" cried Ginny, "do you really think I don't know who put Pansy up to this? She's your secretary!"
"I can't help it if she has amoral tendencies! In fact, I pity the poor girl! That's why I gave her a job!"
"Draco Malfoy, the Saviour of Wizardkind. How noble, except that you only did this to embarrass Neville... Wait a minute, that can't be it! You had an ulterior motive, didn't you? Neville, where are those signed papers about his donation to the Unicorns?"
"Why, right here in my back pocket... That's strange, they were here only a minute ago..."
Ginny threw herself at Pansy, wrapping her hands around the other witch's throat.
"Give me those papers, Parkinson, or by Merlin, I will extract your tonsils with my bare hands!"
"Uh, urgh..." said Pansy, choking, and threw Draco a questioning (and increasingly desperate) look.
"I suggest you don't say a word, Pansy," said Draco, "you are fully within your rights to refuse an interrogation while threatened."
"That's a lie!" said Ginny, "no such rights exist in the Wizarding World!"
"Why, I believe you are right. Shame on Hermione Granger for implementing House Elves' Rights but not do anything for the common wizard!"
"Yeah, well, why don't you write an editorial, Malfoy, while I strangle your secretary."
"Really, Ginny, maybe you shouldn't-"
"Be quiet, Longbot- Neville dear, let me handle this!"
"Urrrk," said Pansy, and nodded her head desperately.
"But I think she's willing to, well, surrender," said Neville.
"My mother was right, you simply cannot get good staff these days." said Draco."Pansy, shut your pretty mouth and let me explain, please."
"I think not," said Ginny, and released Pansy. "Well?"
"Uh, I think I'll let Draco field this one. I just do what I'm told."
"Pansy!"
"Draco!" said Pansy in the same tone, "I'm not in the mood to be strangled."
"No, but you were in a mood to hit on my fiancé, you slut!"
"Actually I wasn't - no offence," she told Neville, "you're just not my type."
"At Hogwarts, your type was evil male Slytherins, as I recall. All of them. Including Snape!"
"Longbottom, get over it," said Draco. Pansy was a slut, but she was his slut (that is, she wasn't, she was his employee and only Draco and maybe Ginny got to call her a slut).
"So, basically, you had her seducing Neville so she could get the papers about your donation, and get Neville in trouble at the same time. And all this for a stupid article!" shouted Ginny.
Draco leaned in.
"Not really for the stupid article, no," he whispered, wishing Longbottom and Parkinson and Gamp (who was listening with her mouth open) would just go away. If he knew his wife, and he did, she was going to explode any second now, and making up after one of Ginny's explosions had always been his favourite part of their marriage.
But Ginny didn't explode.
"Right," she said, and turned to Longbottom. "I'll just head up to the press-room to get my hat and say goodbye. You can wait outside the Ministry, all right? I'm sure Pansy won't attack you again."
"I hope so!" said Neville.
"What?" exploded Draco. "You're just going to up and leave?"
"Yes! I'm off to raise curtains and wash snotty dishes in Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch!" With that, Ginny stormed out.
Draco scowled at the door she had slammed behind her.
"My throat hurts," said Pansy. "She really knows how to strangle, doesn't she."
"She has six older brothers," said Draco absently, "what do you expect?"
"It's all your fault," said Pansy, "why on earth couldn't you hang on to her, she's a great reporter and now she hates me."
"You'll live," said Draco, and left the room, too.
"Maybe if you used less makeup?" said Neville.
*
Ginny walked into the press-room only to come face to face with a vulture. A very dead vulture, complete with glass eyes and mouldy feathers.
"Ginevra Potter! What have you done to my grandson and why aren't we halfway to Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch by now?"
"It's Ginevra Weasley, Mrs. Longbottom," said Ginny, and stepped around the old witch. She really had to find her hat, it had cost her a fortune and was very flattering.
"It should be Ginevra Longbottom by now!" cried Mrs. Longbottom. "You've strung my Neville along for weeks, he keeps saying you'll settle down and give me some great-grandchildren, but here you are in a dirty broom closet writing about horrid murderers! Longbottom women never wrote books before you came along!"
"I only ever wrote the one book," said Ginny, "I'm a reporter, at heart."
"You're supposed to be a wife and a mother!"
Ginny battled down a snarky reply to this. After all, settling down with Neville was what she really wanted, wasn't it? Draco Malfoy would always send her down dirty mine shafts and then take off for two days, expecting her to find her own way up and write a prize-winning story while doing it. She lit a cigarette and puffed on it, trying to calm herself.
"And smoking! Really, has no one ever told you about the dangers of smoking? Isn't Hermione Granger your friend? Only last month, she sent me a leaflet about The Dangers Of Smoking And What To Do To Prevent Your Child From Smoking In Front Of The Pet Rats. Very educational!"
Ginny took a deep breath. But she could get Mrs. Longbottom on her side, at least - she was a great actor.
"Oh, please Mrs. Longbottom - Grandmother Longbottom - it's just that I'm nervous. Malfoy made me go talk to one of his horrid murderers just now, and then he upset Neville something fierce, and I only went along with it on behalf of the Unicorn Society! You know how much I love the breed!"
Mrs. Longbottom's face softened.
"Oh, child, don't worry. We'll save those ponies, we don't need Malfoy's ill-begotten money for that! In fact, I have been sketching out a breeding-program that I think-"
She was interrupted by a loud BANG! that made Ginny throw herself under a desk. It seemed she still had her war-time reflexes. The Ministry shook, and the lights flashed on and off for a minute.
"Get down!" she shouted at Mrs. Longbottom. "Someone's bombed the Ministry!"
"Certainly not!" cried Mrs. Longbottom, "A Longbottom never hides!"
"That explains why so few of you lived through Voldemort," said Ginny, but then she was distracted by a pounding on the door.
"Weasley! Are you in there?"
"Draco!"
"Stand back, the door is jammed!"
Ginny, knowing Malfoy, got up from under the desk and threw herself at Mrs. Longbottom, forcing them both to the floor. Neville would never forgive her if his Gran got hurt.
The door exploded. Malfoy rushed in, wand high. His hair was a mess, but he didn't look hurt.
"Are you all right?" He dragged Ginny up from the floor, patting her to make sure she had all her limbs, she supposed.
"Uhff, lay off it, I'm fine." She slapped his hands away. "Mrs. Longbottom! Gran! Are you alive?" She flung herself to her knees and grabbed the old woman's hand. "I can't feel her pulse, Draco!"
"That's because you're cutting it off with a death-grip." His voice was calm now, which in turn calmed Ginny. And in fact, Augusta Longbottom was trying to sit up.
"That was most unpleasant, Ginevra!"
"I'm sorry, Mrs, Longbottom," she said absently, helping her up from the floor. "Malfoy, what happened?"
"Something went off on Level One - something nasty." Their eyes met.
"Whitby?"
"Who else could it be?"
"Did he do it, or someone else?"
"I dunno - you where the last one to talk to him. Did he seem suicidal, to you?"
"Oh, really!" said Mrs. Longbottom.
"Suicidal? No... Crazy enough to blow himself up accidentally? Hell yes."
"Mm... I think the headline should be "Shake-up in the Ministry!"
"Front page, huh?"
"Front page, first, second, and third. Get writing, I'll get you all the info I can. Too bad I blasted the door, the others will be here soon. Make sure we get our edition out before The Quibbler goes to print, will you?"
"That's your job, now get me some info. I need some scrolls, dammit, I'll have to steal some off Parvati..."
"Ginevra! You're not going to sit here writing when you have no idea where my grandson is?"
"Oh! Oh, uhm, of course not!" Ginny blushed. She had forgotten about Neville again! Her eyes met Draco's.
"Don't worry, I'll go find him and Pansy first. You get writing!" He dashed out.
"Well, really! I begin to see why you married him!"
"We're divorced."
"It's hard to tell."
"Grandmother Longbottom, please let me finish this article and then we'll-"
"Nobody move!"
Ginny and Mrs. Longbottom looked up. In the doorway stood Kevin Whitby, and he was pointing a wand at them.
"Whitby?" Ginny crouched, made her hand inch slowly towards her wand pocket... "You're not going to do something stupid, are you?" She kept her voice cool. It had worked well during the War.
"Hands where I can see them! If you move, I'll blast the owls, I know I will! Ever seen how many feathers an owl has? Just try the Owl-Implosion Curse! I invented it myself!"
"Well, really," said Augusta Longbottom, "I knew letting Neville near you was a mistake, Ginevra! This man is clearly deranged, and why am I not surprised you know him?"
*
"It's her!" said Neville, pointing at Pansy.
"Pansy Parkinson!" said Ginny. "You vile hussy!"
"Pansy," said Draco, "I'm so surprised to see you here. I can't begin to tell you how surprised I am. In fact, my middle name should be Surprised."
"That's Pansy Parkinson? From Hogwarts? I didn't recognise her behind all that tarty makeup and fake blonde hair and Bewitched Breasts (TM)!" said Neville.
"Still surprised over here."
"Malfoy!" cried Ginny, "do you really think I don't know who put Pansy up to this? She's your secretary!"
"I can't help it if she has amoral tendencies! In fact, I pity the poor girl! That's why I gave her a job!"
"Draco Malfoy, the Saviour of Wizardkind. How noble, except that you only did this to embarrass Neville... Wait a minute, that can't be it! You had an ulterior motive, didn't you? Neville, where are those signed papers about his donation to the Unicorns?"
"Why, right here in my back pocket... That's strange, they were here only a minute ago..."
Ginny threw herself at Pansy, wrapping her hands around the other witch's throat.
"Give me those papers, Parkinson, or by Merlin, I will extract your tonsils with my bare hands!"
"Uh, urgh..." said Pansy, choking, and threw Draco a questioning (and increasingly desperate) look.
"I suggest you don't say a word, Pansy," said Draco, "you are fully within your rights to refuse an interrogation while threatened."
"That's a lie!" said Ginny, "no such rights exist in the Wizarding World!"
"Why, I believe you are right. Shame on Hermione Granger for implementing House Elves' Rights but not do anything for the common wizard!"
"Yeah, well, why don't you write an editorial, Malfoy, while I strangle your secretary."
"Really, Ginny, maybe you shouldn't-"
"Be quiet, Longbot- Neville dear, let me handle this!"
"Urrrk," said Pansy, and nodded her head desperately.
"But I think she's willing to, well, surrender," said Neville.
"My mother was right, you simply cannot get good staff these days." said Draco."Pansy, shut your pretty mouth and let me explain, please."
"I think not," said Ginny, and released Pansy. "Well?"
"Uh, I think I'll let Draco field this one. I just do what I'm told."
"Pansy!"
"Draco!" said Pansy in the same tone, "I'm not in the mood to be strangled."
"No, but you were in a mood to hit on my fiancé, you slut!"
"Actually I wasn't - no offence," she told Neville, "you're just not my type."
"At Hogwarts, your type was evil male Slytherins, as I recall. All of them. Including Snape!"
"Longbottom, get over it," said Draco. Pansy was a slut, but she was his slut (that is, she wasn't, she was his employee and only Draco and maybe Ginny got to call her a slut).
"So, basically, you had her seducing Neville so she could get the papers about your donation, and get Neville in trouble at the same time. And all this for a stupid article!" shouted Ginny.
Draco leaned in.
"Not really for the stupid article, no," he whispered, wishing Longbottom and Parkinson and Gamp (who was listening with her mouth open) would just go away. If he knew his wife, and he did, she was going to explode any second now, and making up after one of Ginny's explosions had always been his favourite part of their marriage.
But Ginny didn't explode.
"Right," she said, and turned to Longbottom. "I'll just head up to the press-room to get my hat and say goodbye. You can wait outside the Ministry, all right? I'm sure Pansy won't attack you again."
"I hope so!" said Neville.
"What?" exploded Draco. "You're just going to up and leave?"
"Yes! I'm off to raise curtains and wash snotty dishes in Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch!" With that, Ginny stormed out.
Draco scowled at the door she had slammed behind her.
"My throat hurts," said Pansy. "She really knows how to strangle, doesn't she."
"She has six older brothers," said Draco absently, "what do you expect?"
"It's all your fault," said Pansy, "why on earth couldn't you hang on to her, she's a great reporter and now she hates me."
"You'll live," said Draco, and left the room, too.
"Maybe if you used less makeup?" said Neville.
*
Ginny walked into the press-room only to come face to face with a vulture. A very dead vulture, complete with glass eyes and mouldy feathers.
"Ginevra Potter! What have you done to my grandson and why aren't we halfway to Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch by now?"
"It's Ginevra Weasley, Mrs. Longbottom," said Ginny, and stepped around the old witch. She really had to find her hat, it had cost her a fortune and was very flattering.
"It should be Ginevra Longbottom by now!" cried Mrs. Longbottom. "You've strung my Neville along for weeks, he keeps saying you'll settle down and give me some great-grandchildren, but here you are in a dirty broom closet writing about horrid murderers! Longbottom women never wrote books before you came along!"
"I only ever wrote the one book," said Ginny, "I'm a reporter, at heart."
"You're supposed to be a wife and a mother!"
Ginny battled down a snarky reply to this. After all, settling down with Neville was what she really wanted, wasn't it? Draco Malfoy would always send her down dirty mine shafts and then take off for two days, expecting her to find her own way up and write a prize-winning story while doing it. She lit a cigarette and puffed on it, trying to calm herself.
"And smoking! Really, has no one ever told you about the dangers of smoking? Isn't Hermione Granger your friend? Only last month, she sent me a leaflet about The Dangers Of Smoking And What To Do To Prevent Your Child From Smoking In Front Of The Pet Rats. Very educational!"
Ginny took a deep breath. But she could get Mrs. Longbottom on her side, at least - she was a great actor.
"Oh, please Mrs. Longbottom - Grandmother Longbottom - it's just that I'm nervous. Malfoy made me go talk to one of his horrid murderers just now, and then he upset Neville something fierce, and I only went along with it on behalf of the Unicorn Society! You know how much I love the breed!"
Mrs. Longbottom's face softened.
"Oh, child, don't worry. We'll save those ponies, we don't need Malfoy's ill-begotten money for that! In fact, I have been sketching out a breeding-program that I think-"
She was interrupted by a loud BANG! that made Ginny throw herself under a desk. It seemed she still had her war-time reflexes. The Ministry shook, and the lights flashed on and off for a minute.
"Get down!" she shouted at Mrs. Longbottom. "Someone's bombed the Ministry!"
"Certainly not!" cried Mrs. Longbottom, "A Longbottom never hides!"
"That explains why so few of you lived through Voldemort," said Ginny, but then she was distracted by a pounding on the door.
"Weasley! Are you in there?"
"Draco!"
"Stand back, the door is jammed!"
Ginny, knowing Malfoy, got up from under the desk and threw herself at Mrs. Longbottom, forcing them both to the floor. Neville would never forgive her if his Gran got hurt.
The door exploded. Malfoy rushed in, wand high. His hair was a mess, but he didn't look hurt.
"Are you all right?" He dragged Ginny up from the floor, patting her to make sure she had all her limbs, she supposed.
"Uhff, lay off it, I'm fine." She slapped his hands away. "Mrs. Longbottom! Gran! Are you alive?" She flung herself to her knees and grabbed the old woman's hand. "I can't feel her pulse, Draco!"
"That's because you're cutting it off with a death-grip." His voice was calm now, which in turn calmed Ginny. And in fact, Augusta Longbottom was trying to sit up.
"That was most unpleasant, Ginevra!"
"I'm sorry, Mrs, Longbottom," she said absently, helping her up from the floor. "Malfoy, what happened?"
"Something went off on Level One - something nasty." Their eyes met.
"Whitby?"
"Who else could it be?"
"Did he do it, or someone else?"
"I dunno - you where the last one to talk to him. Did he seem suicidal, to you?"
"Oh, really!" said Mrs. Longbottom.
"Suicidal? No... Crazy enough to blow himself up accidentally? Hell yes."
"Mm... I think the headline should be "Shake-up in the Ministry!"
"Front page, huh?"
"Front page, first, second, and third. Get writing, I'll get you all the info I can. Too bad I blasted the door, the others will be here soon. Make sure we get our edition out before The Quibbler goes to print, will you?"
"That's your job, now get me some info. I need some scrolls, dammit, I'll have to steal some off Parvati..."
"Ginevra! You're not going to sit here writing when you have no idea where my grandson is?"
"Oh! Oh, uhm, of course not!" Ginny blushed. She had forgotten about Neville again! Her eyes met Draco's.
"Don't worry, I'll go find him and Pansy first. You get writing!" He dashed out.
"Well, really! I begin to see why you married him!"
"We're divorced."
"It's hard to tell."
"Grandmother Longbottom, please let me finish this article and then we'll-"
"Nobody move!"
Ginny and Mrs. Longbottom looked up. In the doorway stood Kevin Whitby, and he was pointing a wand at them.
"Whitby?" Ginny crouched, made her hand inch slowly towards her wand pocket... "You're not going to do something stupid, are you?" She kept her voice cool. It had worked well during the War.
"Hands where I can see them! If you move, I'll blast the owls, I know I will! Ever seen how many feathers an owl has? Just try the Owl-Implosion Curse! I invented it myself!"
"Well, really," said Augusta Longbottom, "I knew letting Neville near you was a mistake, Ginevra! This man is clearly deranged, and why am I not surprised you know him?"
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